Love Will Hurt You.

Help me.

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"are you on your period?"

yeah because the only time I can’t be submissive, perky, and the sweetest little girl is when I’m on my period. i must only be upset or mean when i’m on my period. i mean it’s not like i have emotions or thoughts or anything lol duh i’m just a fucking porcelain doll. yeah, no, go chop off your left nut.

(via cant-you-see-imdying)

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Whatever I write feels incomplete. It feels hard to distinguish what is depression and what is “normal” or “me” because even during times I’ve felt my best some kind of sadness or unease or feeling of being slightly “off” has always been in the background, I think. Depression for me…
going from one unpleasant feeling to another— a mix of emotions, all painfully intense— sadness, hopelessness, frustration, loneliness, despair, anxiousness, guilt. Feeling numb like some people describe would be welcomed…
it’s like feeling pulled underwater, drowning and just when you think you’re going to reach the end you’re let up for a breath of air only to be dragged down again. Mostly bad days punctuated by a few short-lived days of relief, which are like teases and seem to make things worse.
it feels like depression is the reality, and once I find myself depressed it feels acutely familiar, I feel like I’m right back where I started, better times quickly become distant or surreal like. Feeling stuck or trapped, time feels slowed down. Periods of depression feel expanded and periods of no depression feel compressed.
feeling very lonely and removed from everything. Being with people usually only intensifies the loneliness, making me more aware of how disconnected I feel.
spending lots of time convincing myself no one should care so I end up keeping everything inside me, which probably only adds to feeling more detached.
sometimes after feeling okay for awhile, a confusing, perverted feeling of nostalgia for feeling sad again maybe only because that is what is most familiar, feeling good eventually starts to feel foreign. Not being able to stand one feeling for too long whether or not it’s good or bad.
feels like my “storyteller”/unconscious/whatever is making too many stories so that I end up with an overwhelming number of conflicting or always changing “stories”, can never really say quite how I feel. I think storytelling is bad, wish it would stop and give me a rest.
when I’m depressed I feel like I think way too much, about everything, back and forth between lot of things, over analyze, like my mind never turns off.
can’t stay focused on anything for very long,i find it hard to find things to get interested in, im distractible. A lot of thoughts jumping around. There’s always a voice that popps in and reminds me that anything I do become mildly interested is pointless because it will soon become unsatisfying, so no point in trying.
Feeling least worst in the morning and feeling progressively worse as the day goes on. Wanting to sleep all the time because it’s the only way to turn off my mind. Getting out of bed in the morning is usually not hard, it’s waking up and having my thoughts turn back on and pick up right where they left off. I don’t so much dread having to face people or “the world” as I dread having to face myself and the daily dialog in my head.
Decisions are usually rationalized not by what will make me feel good but make me feel the least worst.